All grown up

I'm going to skip ahead a little bit because after all, the past is the past. I understand where I've been, now I'm just trying to figure out where I am going.

The long and short of it is this. I grew up fat. Not just fat but morbidly obese. There I said it. Morbidly obese. I somehow let my outwardly look shape who I was. Instead of living life, I was hiding.

I let the rude comments and interactions with other people shape my thoughts. The image of myself was skewed. Fucked up really.

I no longer felt like a human being. I was a bag of fat living in a shell of a person. Negative thoughts invaded my head and soul.

I wasn't worthy of love. I was never going to be good enough, for anyone.

The healing begins now.

In January of 2011, I was in seriously bad health. I weighed 320lbs. I had high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. I didn't take care of either of those conditions. I honestly thought I would be dead before I turned 40. (I was 38 then.)

The thoughts of leaving my children motherless was crushing me. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING!!!

As a last ditch effort, I started a low carb diet on January 15, 2011. And guess what, it worked! In just a few months time, I was completely off of my high blood pressure meds and my T2 diabetes medications and I was losing weight.

The more I looked into it, the more I realized that I wasn't just doing another fad diet. (My original thought but I was desperate.)

I am now 2 1/2 years into my life change and I am down 110lbs. At one point, I was down 150lbs but I had a minor set back when I let stress and negative thoughts back into my head, which fueled my eating disorder.

My Body Makes Progress

 



 

Now my mind needs to make progress.

 

 

The last picture in this series was taken in December, I weighed 170lbs. However, in my mind I still saw myself as picture #1.

 

The mind likes to play tricks on us, especially those who have spent their whole lives overweight. We don't see what other people see. We see what we've been conditioned to see.

 

I look at the last picture now and think HOLY SHIT, that girl isn't fat. I looked completely "normal". I could go places and not get looked at weird or laughed at. I could make my way though tight spaces and fit into a booth at a restaurant. I totally didn't see it. I saw Fat Tami.

 

Since I did let my eating disorder take hold for a short while, I did gain some weight back. I won't lie about it. I was on a binge. Of the 55lbs, I did gain back, I am now back down 17 of those pounds. I am in complete control of my eating disorder at this time.

 

And even though I am heavier than I was in the last picture, I feel normal. It is almost like my head is finally catching up with my body. I am still guilty of picking apart my appearance from time to time. I'm getting better about that too.